Editor’s Note: This is by far the longest blog I’ve ever written. Think of it this way: This blog is kinda like me when I’m drunk, the fun kind, not the police-involved kind. I talk a lot then, and this is the written version. Just be warned now — so go grab a brew and plan to do a couple sessions here.

Also, this video is not mine, but it is from the same course, same day, starting exactly one hour before me. And it’s really good. Long, but good, kinda like this blog. Read and watch all of both of them.

At the time I signed up for Tough Mudder, I didn’t know why I wanted to do it other than just to say I did it. Now that I’ve done it, I’m fairly confident that’s all I got out of it. I did it. I’ve done that and now I can move on and find something else to do. Would I do it again? Probably not if I was alone, but I might do it with someone or a team. Maybe. Probably. I don’t know.

Sugar-mama asked me the night before, “Is that all you get for it is that little headband?” Yup. That’s it.

And for some reason, I’m okay with that.

I’m okay that I didn’t find a greater meaning to life, a defining moment in human nature or anything remotely philosophical. I’m a 40-year-old who likes to drink, doesn’t mind smoking some times, enjoys partying late into the night and eating shitty food. I like being crass, saying nasty things and exuding crude. Then there’s times I also like doing the right things, helping others when they are down, having a softer side that isn’t afraid to show feeling. Not gay shit (nothing wrong with that, btw), but just being human shit.

Basically, I know who I am and while I, like everyone, would like to change some things, I’m still better than most of you at most things so I’m okay with myself. There was no reason to go looking for enlightenment.

It was just so I could say I did it. And I did.

Was my performance great? No. Was it good? That’s debatable. Was it the worst? Hell no.

I finished in 3:27:01 according to Sugar-Mama’s timing. It was a ‘challenge’ not a ‘race’ so they didn’t time us. That’s fine. There was at least 30 minutes standing around at obstacles waiting for people to go, so really I did it in under three hours, which is the average time they say. Whatever. It was fine.

I knew right from the start it would be difficult. I was unsure before the start if I’d actually finish; I thought the running would be okay but wasn’t sure the obstacles would be too much.

Right off the bat I had those fears laid to the side in a strange way.

First, to get into the start area, you had to climb a small wall. It was maybe 6-feet tall, so even before you could start, you had to climb a wall. That’s intimidating actually. But, I was able to lift the caboose over without any help, amazingly, and on the first try, so that actually gave me confidence that maybe I could do this thing.

But the real reason I knew I’d make it through and be okay was because of something I saw in the start area after I hoisted myself over that wall.

The announcer gave a pep-up speech and he was really good. He went on about helping each other and being a good neighbor and all that jazz. We were all kneeling to listen to it and when we stood up, I looked at the guys next to me for the first time and I saw their shirts.

The back had a saying that I know all too well.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways — beer in one hand, pizza in the other — body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a fucking ride’

Yeah, I had a tough time right then. As I said, I know myself and I’m comfortable with myself. But I’m mostly comfortable with who I’m around.

My guys are the best. And it was really tough not having them there. But then — after I patted the guy on the back and told him I loved the shirt and that my guys also used that saying a lot — I thought about it and knew that wasn’t true. I wasn’t alone; if nothing else, I had Tony with me. And if I have one, then I have them all. So I really felt okay about it and my chances of finishing once I saw that saying on that shirt.

I don’t know, I guess I just had a lot of scared going on in me about getting on the course and then adrenaline, whatever. It all kinda boiled out at that moment, and right as the national anthem started, I was streaming tears down my cheeks, just really glad Tony — and the guys — were there with me. I probably looked like the most passionate American there if anyone noticed.

Yeah, actually that’s not true at all because even though I was blubbering over myself, no one noticed. And right after the anthem, the announcer then had the guys from the Wounded Warrior Project step up — they do a lot of donations through the event to the project — and it was quite obvious I’m not the most passionate American.

That wasn’t the only time I had to try to choke some feelings back. Actually, about somewhere in mile 4 or 5, I nearly cried again.

I came out of the woods running and had to go across a clearing then back into the woods. In the middle of the clearing I came up on a group from the Army — there were tons of groups of Army and former Army or Navy or Marines or Air Force — running along at a pretty slow pace, and I say that because I was already hurting, so I wasn’t going fast but still gaining on them fairly quickly.

Well, I came up on them and as I was about to pass them on the left I finally looked at them. They were going slow because they were going at the pace of the one guy I was about to run next to. I did a double-take. It was an Army guy with a sleeveless shirt.

And he didn’t have a left arm.

Then I looked down and he was running on a prosthetic left leg.

And he was laughing with his buddies and having a great time.

Perspective. Some times it comes and kicks you in the dick.

Well, anyway, I don’t have any more answers on life but I had an awesome time. I struggled, I overcame, I cried, I laughed, I swore, I pissed, I jumped, I crawled, I did pretty much everything you’d expect and then some.

It’s been about 30 hours since I finished as of this writing and I can barely walk. It hurts to move in any direction, even just pulling my shirt down when I’m laying on the couch not moving. I’m popping Advil or aspirin as often as Sugar-Mama will let me.

But I wouldn’t trade those three-plus hours away simply because I now know that I can… and I did.

And here’s how I did it, obstacle by obstacle, all 27 of them:

1. Devil’s Gaps... After a short run and a couple curves, we got a quick taste of the obstacles, and I was feeling good. This one was just eight trenches in a row, dug with backhoes. They were filled with water. While I heard from Sugar-Mama that a few people still didn’t make it over, this was definitely one of the easiest obstacles on the course. It made me think, ‘Shit ain’t gonna be so bad.’

2. Kiss of Mud... Pretty basic here. Get down on the ground, crawl under barbed wire through some mud. Not terrible, fairly easy although there may have been some extra rocks in there that were added just for my knees. But hey, no one thought this was going to be easy. But still, ‘Shit ain’t so bad.’  Then….

3. Berlin Walls… This was the one that I really expected to be the one I’d be most pissed off about when it was over. I really expected I’d have to go around and skip it. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m not really that tall, I’m not really that thin and I’m not really that athletic. Strange? Yeah, I know. It’s hard to believe, but it’s basically true. I’m pretty much able to only jump over 3-inch thick sticks and some types of stunted garden gnomes. So anyway, I come running around the corner and see them and obviously my first thought was, “Well, gee.” Haha, Yeah. Right. I dropped a mutherfucker and cunt and sonofabitch and every other disgustingly bad swear word you can think of. I knew it was coming but still, until you’re right there, it’s not the same. Never is. And it was that way this time. So, anyway, I figure, shit, I might as well just try to get hooked up with someone and try to get them to push me over. As I came up, there was a group of three, two guys and a small chick, so I said that I’d help them if at least one of them could help me. So the chick went up and then I helped one guy push the other guy up. Then the last guy, who obviously knew he could get over on his own, lifted me and it was a fucking struggle, but he did just enough to get me to the top to where I could haul my load over and flop down the other side. It was pathetic, but it was done… except one thing: there was another wall. It was a set, one wall, then about 10 yards and a tractor tire to climb over then 10 yards and another wall. Fuck. Me. Son.Of.A.Fucking.Bitch. I thought this was the case from Youtube videos of other sites, but it wasn’t totally clear and in my convoluted mind, I really tried to convince myself it would be only one. I lost. So, anyway that group helped me again and it was the same process, equally as uncoordinated and bad, and then I was on my way. Damn I’m glad that was over. But I made it.

4. Arctic Enema… Yeah, so I made it only to run about half a mile before I ran into this aptly named piece of shit. This was literally just a large dumpster. They put a few boards together to let you climb up one side and then you jump in, duck under a board and then go to the other end and haul yourself out. No ladder, so you better be able to pull yourself up. Then you climb down the boards on the other side and you’re on your way. Oh, wait. I guess I didn’t totally say that correctly. That was all true, but when you jump in, it’s filled with water. And ice cubes. So you jump into an ice bath, wade through it, duck under a board that goes across the width of it (and has barbed wire on top to keep you from going over it) and then wade the rest of the way until you get out. If it wasn’t 40 degrees outside with 30 mph wind gusts, it might not have been so bad. But being wet and cold was just a precursor of things to come.

5. Turd’s Nest… This one wasn’t actually a turd at all. It was pretty decent. You come up from the woods where you’re running on the trails and you can see this big rig. You actually crawl in mud under barbed wire one way through the bottom, then you run around the woods and come at it from a right angle, basically going south to north under it, then loop around and go west to east on top of it. The top part is a cargo net that you climb, scramble over. I actually was able to walk the whole thing along the side going slowly, more so because of the chick in front of me, but also so I didn’t fall. It was pretty cool actually. I didn’t use that word other than to describe my balls much during this day.

6. Fire Walker… The pictures look sorta bad, mostly because of the smoke. This was really nothing. It was a lot of fire (about five times as much as Warrior Dash, or more), but it wasn’t difficult. I didn’t even need to cover my mouth or anything, and there was quite a bit of smoke. But it was kinda nice to go slow through it since there was still, well, let’s just say there was a fair amount of shrinkage from Arctic Enema that hadn’t been resolved yet.

7. King of the Mountain...I was mildly surprised this one wasn’t harder. In the photos Sugar-Mama took, you can see several of me making my way up these stacked bales of hay. It was five stacks tall. I really thought each bale would be taller, and therefore making it tougher for me to lift the lard. But surprisingly they weren’t that tall, so I got up each one on my own fairly quickly. At the top your probably 25 feet in the air so it’s a good view, then you start jumping down the other side, bale by bale. Definitely a confidence booster after getting past this one.

8. Mud Mile… This goopy mess wasn’t hard, but it was difficult. There were some spots that literally just sucked your feet in. I lost my shoe once, and I was wearing Vibrams. There’s no shoe laces. It’s a slipknot type thing and it grips my feet extremely well. Not well enough to defeat this mud though. Anyway, it was a long mud pit, most of which you could run through slowly because it wasn’t bad, just in spots. One dude yelled out about how he didn’t know where to step, talking to his girlfriend I think. I yelled back, “It’s not bad, just do like in bed and aim for the wettest spot. That’s where you’ll get out easiest.” I got no response. Rude guy. At the end, you had about 10 yards and there were tubes you had to crawl through. They weren’t all that wide and were probably 10 yards long. Kinda strange if you don’t like confined spaces, but not terribly bad.

9. Funky Monkey… So, after running to this point, about three miles since the Arctic Enema, I was pretty dry. Not dry. That’s a bad way to put it because I wasn’t dry again until about 30 minutes after we got home, and it was a 90-minute drive from our house to the course. But I wasn’t soaked, freezing wet anymore. The moving, running and wind actually got me somewhat aired out. That didn’t last long. I had a 10-minute or so wait to get on this one, and once I did, I was on for two rungs and then in the water, partly because I have no upper-body strength and partly because there was so much mud on my hands and then on the bars from people before me. Okay, it was mostly the pussy in my arms, but still, I was out there and you weren’t, so let’s not nitpick, OK? It was just a monkey bar, that went upward about 12 rings and then downward about 12 rings to the other side. Otherwise, me and the 80 percent of everyone else who couldn’t stay on, just waded across tits-high through iced cold water. I can’t count this as an obstacle that I won, but I did attempt it and I finished it by getting to the other side and not walking around. It’s all about perspective people.

10. Trench Warfare… This one was cool. It was a trench they had dug out and then put a sheet of plywood and dirt on top of so it was a tunnel underground. There were pictures of it on Tough Mudder’s Twitter and Facebook page on Wednesday, so I thought it was no biggie. It was actually easy, but there was a twist. You look at it and expect it goes straight through about 15 yards. It doesn’t. It goes straight for about 10 yards, then there’s a left, ahead for 8 yards including a pit that makes floor drop out below you, and then turns right and goes ahead about 10 yards. You completely come out in an area different than you expected and you’re in pretty near complete darkness in a small space. I crawled most of it before I realized I could squat-walk, but even that was hard. Anyway, was pretty cool, more than expected.

11. Log Jog Bog… I really don’t remember a lot about this one other than there was a semi-long run before it, there were some logs that you had to jump over, some you climbed over and some you went under. It was, um, not noteworthy.

12. Spider’s Web… This one was more difficult than expected. This was the cargo net obstacle, and I thought since Warrior Dash was easy, this one wouldn’t be too tough for me. It wasn’t the hardest thing of the day, but it wasn’t easy. These nets were about half as tall as Warrior Dash, but unlike those, these were not secured at the bottom. They were tied to trees on each side at the top, so they were sturdy, but they were sagging in the middle because the bottom wasn’t tied to anything. There was no tightness to the rope at the top, so it was a complete struggle to try to climb. Luckily someone had thought to lay down on other side after getting over and use their body weight to pull down on the net. That made the top more taught and easier to climb up. So there were 9-10 guys laying down pulling the net down (in other words pulling the top up). I was a struggle bucket near the top and getting flopped over, but I made it and then took someone’s place, laying there for a few minutes to catch my breath and hold the net for others to climb more easily. It’s not a race people; it’s a challenge and we’re all on the same team. Yeah, that was said by someone who didn’t win, but who am I kidding? I wasn’t winning anything either.

13. Cliffhanger... This whole course was laid out around a motocross site that also had a lake next to it. Part of the course actually used the motocross track, which, if you haven’t been on one before, it’s pretty damn hilly. Well, I hadn’t been on one before and it was tiring. Hill after hill after hill. Maybe a quarter or half mile squireling around the track, and then as you come over this big hill on the track, you see the next hill, which is completely watered down and a muddy mess. But you immediately start picking up speed going down so that you can get a good run up. Well, the designers figured that too. So they put up a chain and sign that you had to stop and go to the side, where you have to crawl down into and through a pit of mud. It was like spa mud (I actually heard chicks talking about this being like spa mud) and it was tits-high, slick and mushy. So that was tough to get through and climb out of, but then it’s all over you and oozing down you, so once you try to walk/run up the monster hill you just lost all your momentum for, it was a mess. I actually did pretty well. I made it half way and had to stop because I started slipping, then just stayed there. I got my balance and took a breath, moved to my left a little closer the outside edge and moved forward. The 4-5 minutes or so I was in the mud and on the hill, I only saw about five people make it up the hill with no help at all. And then I made six. Got all the way up that sucker on my own. Win=Trickie.

14. Devil’s Beard… This was a really long net, maybe 30 yards (it felt 5 miles, but it could have been 15 yards, who knows?) that is laying on the ground. It was ridiculously heavy and was pinned down pretty well to make it hard to pick up. You had to go under it, which basically meant walking backwards and lifting it as you went if you were in the front. I was in the front of about 15 people, so me and one other guy walked backwards lifting it over us while the rest kept it above their heads and easily walked behind us. Teamwork.

15. Boa Constrictor… If you don’t like tight spaces, don’t do this one. These pipes were a good 12 yards long and I didn’t have much room. I had to totally belly crawl, pulling myself with me elbows and chicken-scratching to push with my feet. It was kinda crazy. That’s the first one pointed downhill. Then you get to the bottom to the water. There is water in the last 4-5 feet of the pipe, and then you climb out into water and have to crawl through it a couple yards under barbed wire there’s no where to stand up and then do the same thing again, this time climbing the same distance up the hill. Half way through I struggled and had to stop and it was a bit claustrophobic, making me get a tad nervous. But I don’t have much problem with that really, so I just sucked it up and kept moving and got through pretty quickly.

16. Jumpin’ Bale… This one was so hard, I’m not even going to talk about it. Ha. No, really, I honestly can’t remember what the hell it was. I remember every other one, but I just can’t place this one at all. It’s on the course map I have, but I got nothing else.

17. Berlin Walls No. 2… MUTHERFUCKER. I hated the first one and yet, there’s two and this one is 4-foot taller than the last. I knew that going in, but it didn’t help my level of disgust when I got to this. I’m at least six miles into the course and tired, sore, wet, cold and annoyed I have to do this again. I really don’t remember who helped me get up over the first wall, but that was almost a miracle. I almost gave up after that. I was dead and it took everything out of me. I climbed over the tractor tire and went over to Sugar-Mama and gave her my number bib because it ripped off for the third time and I broke two of the safety pins tumbling ass first and body against the wall over that wall. I said I was probably going to skip it because I was dead and I don’t remember exactly what she said, but I heard, “Sack up you fucking Sally. Get your dick over there and put it on that wall and get the fuck over it.” I stumbled over there and stood around a minute before I jumped in to help a group get a guy up to the top. The guy on the ground said he’d help me first and I said, outloud to no one, “Nah, there’s no way I’m getting over this one. I’m completely gassed and going to have to go around.” Then the guys next to us, who were already lifting a dude up, one of them said, “Come over here and we’ll get you up there in a second brother.” Guys were saviors. The dude said, “We’re doing this in two steps: First we’re going to push you up and you grab the top, then we’re going to boost you and you swing your leg up over and you take it from there.” So I put one foot in one guy’s hands, leaned up and forward and put the other in the other guy’s and they did exactly that. Up and I grabbed, boost and I lifted my dead carcass over, tumbling the 12 feet back to the ground. You can actually see the splat on the wall in one of the pics I put in the photo gallery. That’s my body hitting the wall on the way down. There’s a little black at bottom of the photo that’s my head (the cap actually) as I’m sitting there for a second to gather myself. Then up I went. Those guys need a big shoutout and thank you.

18. Hold Your Wood… This one and then next one go together, and I’d like to thank Lucky and Coach Gaffigan for prepping me. It was just taking a log and carrying it around about a quarter-mile oval area. That’s the first part, but then halfway through, you have about 10-15 yards of tires on the ground that you have to go through. As Sugar-Mama could tell you, I was the only one who actually ran this part. I didn’t have the heaviest log (insert joke of choice here), but it wasn’t small (that’s what she said). Yet, I was still running while no one else was. And just for the record, I actually kicked those tires’ asses. I zoomed through them with that wood and was like, Fuck yeah bitches. I did that.

19. Tired Yet?… I told you the last one was for the both. Why are you still reading this?

20. Electric Eel… Fairly simple process: run up to the obstacle, get on your belly, crawl under the barbed wire. Easy, right? Yeah, it is. Except that there’s wires hanging down off the barbed wire and the wires, at least some of them, have electricity running through them. This wasn’t the biggie that has 10,000 volts (we’ll get to that one in a bit), but after the first two feet I was through, I can tell you from experience, that shit ain’t nothing to laugh at. It gives you a jolt. Remember when you’d put a 9-volt battery to your tongue just for the fuck of it (looking directly at you Dwin)? Yeah, it’s that times about 50. So after that near pants-pisser, I start pulling myself on my elbows pretty fast. There’s sprinklers shooting water into the area and you’re on a plastic tarp, so it’s slick. I got all the way to the end, about the normal 10-15 yards without another shock. Until I tried to get out. As I got to the end I hit a live wire, and I hit it as I was trying to pull myself out from under the board at the end. Yeah, that didn’t go so well. I hit it three more times as I struggled, looking like the palsy I was at that minute. Good one there, course designers. Good one. Jackholes.

21. Log Jammin’… This was the Lincoln Logs Deluxe. It was a big log cabin-like area that you climbed over and under and ran through. The first part you went over three logs high, then climbed under logs about waist high that were wrapped in barbed wire. Then you went over one that was six logs high, under a couple more waist high and then the end was one that was eight logs high and the logs weren’t placed evenly, so some stuck out, some went in. It was hard to get a good grip and pull yourself up. Not terrible, but lot of scratches from that bad boy.

22. Hanging Tough… This was the “surprise” obstacle. There’s always one they don’t tell  you what it will be until game day. Well, they decided to put up rings. Like gymnastics rings. You had to start on one side, take the rings and swing yourself across. There were about five sets of rings to monkey across. This one sucked because the line that formed since it was hard and so few people made it across. Most ended up in the water (like 90 percent) so people had to wait to go so in case they made it farther, they didn’t then lose grip and fall on the person ahead of them. You can see the pics. It backed up bad and I bet I waited more than 20 minutes before I got to go. I got cold. I tightened up. The wind was still gusting, probably worse than at any point in the day. And I was more than eight miles into the run and exhausted. So when I got up there, I actually rocked it and made it all the way across. Yeah. Right. I was pleased that I was able to grab the second set of rings, but that was it before my fat ass and gravity met. Plop. Right into the bright pink water I go. At least at the end of this watery defeat there was a belt with loops in it to use to crawl your way out. The Funky Monkey didn’t have anything so you either had to lift yourself out or get someone to help. It was a half-half out for me. But this one I managed on my own, so that’s something. Ugh. Cold and wet again. With three miles to go.

23. Walk the Plank… So, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m going to guess if you actually have read this far, you probably do because I bet there’s only about four of you who have read every word of this (suckers). Anyway, my greatest fear in life is drowning. Water in general scares the shit out of me. Maybe this is why I don’t like showering much, I don’t know. I’ve overcome that much more as I’ve gotten older, but I still am scared shitless of water, especially open water. And lakes definitely count as open water. So this one was the one I dreaded the most. You climb up this obstacle — and it was ridiculously hard for solo short people actually because the boards you use as steps are spread way apart and start about 4 feet high, fuckers — and when you’re at the top, all you do is jump in the lake from about 18 feet above water and then swim around. That’s it. No biggie. B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. That’s water down there and there’s no way to know where the bottom is. And it’s windy and there’s little waves. Yeah, I really hesitated, like maybe a minute, adjusting my cap and glasses and was really actually pretty scared. I didn’t mind the height at all or jumping. That’s fine with me, even if it was higher than I expected. But the water was a big question mark. In the end, I did it. I jumped, I splashed, I went under and I came up. Then I flailed and struggled to the corner of the bottom of the platform and then swam to the side. It may have been a total of 10  yards but felt like 30 miles. I hate fucking open water. And I lost my damn running glasses and cap in the water. Shit.

24. Dong Dangler… This was alright. You had a long wire with a plastic casing over it and water. You had to pull yourself across. You were supposed to go upside down with your legs crossed above the wire and pulling yourself with your hands. Most people walked because it wasn’t deep. I started walking then just pulled myself with my body floating behind in the water. Not terrible. RJ could even do this one, I think.

25. Everest… Well, dear Tough Mudder, you bested me. This was the one. I hoped to do all the obstacles but figured realistically there’d be one that I couldn’t complete, even the shitty way by falling off and going through the water. This was it. This beast is a half of a half-pipe. You run up it. And when you’re at the top, you go down the ladder. Easy. Except the running up and getting on top part. Again gravity and my ass met. That happened about half way up. Right as I jumped up to try to grab the extended hands of the guys laying down trying to pull people like me up. No go. The inertia going up did not out-do the mass going the other way and my blubber went a tumbling down. A big thud as I went face — and belly — first into the wood and then a Wile E. Coyote splat and slide down to the bottom. I was dead but I gave it a second shot and came up about a foot shorter than last time. I knew, despite how good I felt I had done for myself to this point, that I was defeated. I walked around and started running to the next obstacle where I’d try to pick up and get back on the horse. Pretty disappointed, but considering my physical being (or lack thereof), if this was the only one I didn’t complete, I can’t really bitch.

26. Twinkle Toes… This was just a walking on a tight rope type of thing, except it was a 2×8 on its side and not a rope. It was wide enough but I got halfway across, caught a gust of wind and got a little wobbly and had no chance to stop it and over I went into the yellow-colored freezing cold water. At least I made it a hair past half way so I didn’t have to wade all the way across like the other two I dumped.

27. Electroshock Therapy… Really, I wish I had a story here. I don’t . I came down the hill right after the last obstacle and saw this. The end. Thank any god you want. I did. As I came up on it, I was trailing a group of five from the Army. They were together and going in all as one. I followed right behind so I didn’t see them and get psyched out. I didn’t hit a single live wire. I ran behind one chick, fell on a small hay bale, bounced off to the right and kept running, slipped once, then jumped out of it, promptly falling on my face in the mud. But I did not find the 10,000-volt wire, so I was pleased. I then held up as the last chick in the Army group had gotten fried in there and was behind. I waited as she caught up and I let the Army group go first as the announcer at the finish line got the crowd to give them a big applause. Then I went through, grabbed my headband and two bottles of water and headed, slowly, for the car.

That was the end of my Tough Mudder career. I think. Maybe.