I vividly remember being 18 years old. It was incredible, in every way. Bold. Enlightening. Piercing. Excruciating. The world was in front of me and I had no cares. No destination ahead, but nothing holding me back from where ever I decided to take this life.

I have no idea how I made it through. Seriously, there are a few nights in particular that, as I look back, I should have probably died nine deaths. And it would have made sense as growing up, I never thought I’d see 30. Well, it’s not that I thought I’d be dead necessarily. I was smarter than that. Mostly. But I never looked ahead far enough to envision what living to 30 would look like, let alone 46. Hell, I couldn’t see past 19 when I was 18, and that short-sightedness has never really changed. It’s been a blessing in many ways, not looking beyond the moment I was — or am — currently, blissfully ignorant for, but in other ways, it has left me behind the eight-ball on more than a few occasions because I wasn’t prepared, wasn’t empowered enough to know how to get through it without failing miserably.

C’est la vie, right?

We all go through it. But here’s a little secret I actually have learned along the way: we all have a choice over how we realize our ambition and which dreams we choose to unravel. Despite still not being that good at it, I try to remember it all the time now. It’s become so important to me that I even have it tattooed on my body. On my left shin, right on the front, just below the knee cap, is a heart with a dagger through it with the words, “The in between is mine”. They aren’t without meaning. They actually come from what may be the answer to the trivia question, “What is my all-time favorite Pearl Jam song?” It’s from a line in the fabulous song I am Mine, off the Riot Act album in 2002.

North is to south what the clock is to time
There’s east and there’s west and there’s everywhere life
I know I was born and I know that I’ll die
The in between is mine
I am mine

Think about it. We have this life, these moments all wrapped up in a sequence of time from birth to death. We can’t control anything before we burst out into this world or after we’ve expired, but we can control what way we live, the circumstances of our existence. It’s not that we started living, or stopped, but how we lived, why we lived, what we did to feel alive. All of the in between, it’s ours to determine. How fucking liberating is that thought?

Why am I bringing this up, other than to make you think of a Pearl Jam song and get it stuck in your head for the rest of the night?

I was thinking about it recently as my oldest nephew nears his high school graduation. It’s been a struggle for him at times, but he’s not going to get any sympathy here. And he shouldn’t want it. What he is going to get, whether he wants it or not, is a little advice. Take it or leave it. Doesn’t really matter to me, and I won’t be offended either way. But I will say one thing about it: I wish I’d have had someone give me a few worthwhile words when I was your age.

Fuck, I sound old now.

Anyway.

We’ve had some similar struggles early in life whether you know it or not, pal. I’ve never met my biological father. Sent him a letter once when I was about 12. I remember, after a long while, getting a letter back. I read it sitting at the table in the kitchen, if you want to call it that, of our little one-bedroom house on the hill on Huron Road. I couldn’t believe he wrote back, it had been so long since I sent my note, my questions. Then after reading it, I would have been just as good without his reply. Waste of my time. Haven’t looked back at the shitbag since. The only dad I ever recognized growing up died before my senior year of high school. So he wasn’t around either when the world said I was becoming a man. And this was before I’d even acknowledge my stepdad in the picture because, well, because I was just a little opinionated, smarter-than-thou prick and didn’t think I needed to listen to him, like damn near every teenage boy. In retrospect, at least I listened a little when I was older because he was more right than I knew, every time it seems.

So, in my mind anyway, I never had a male role model give me any tips about growing up, living life. And that’s ok. I’m not here to write a psychology paper on my upbringing or family values. Or would that be a psychiatric paper? Either way. But, because I can, I thought I’d share a few life lessons I’ve stumbled across that may help you, may make your trek a little easier, or at least a little more fun, to navigate. Do with it what you will.

Look up — Whether it’s some place you’ve been once or a 100 times, or somewhere you never think you’ll return again, stop and poke around, check out all the nooks and crannies. Look up every now and then instead of always looking down and following where your feet carry you. Look the other way from where the crowd sees the action. Turn around, go the opposite direction of the flow of people to find the real interesting spots in life along the road you choose, and never stop looking where others don’t. There’s plenty to see there too.

Drive far away, and come back — Jump in an airplane — or out of it — any time you can afford to see the world, but before you do that, while you’re still young and ambitious, jump in the car and hit the highways across the country. Head to New Orleans, or Boston, or San Francisco and see the sights, smell the country, taste the wilderness, and touch the cities. Be free of boundaries, of baggage, of constraints. Go by yourself if you have to; bring a friend if you can. Go hard, straight through even, but take time to seek out the little moments, those instances that’ll pop back in your mind for decades. Trust me, they’ll find you if you look. Sleep in cheap motels along the side of the road that you roll up to at 1:34 in the morning and then get up before sunrise to sit out in the middle of the cornfields, or cactus, or looking over the lake in the woods at a miraculous sunrise. Turn left at the next road . . . just because you can. Then take it down a ways. But from personal experience, when you start hearing the banjos in your head, you’ve probably went far enough offroad and better head back on the main highway where they’ll at least find your body. Oh, and pal, when you’re done driving, head home once in a while. It’ll always be there, and some day, you’ll breath a little easier in the Park more than anywhere else on Earth. Trust me on this one as I know it doesn’t feel like that right now. It’ll always be a shithole to you, but remember: it’s your shithole. It’s where you’re from. You can lose your way, but can never lose your past. Someday, after you’ve left for more than a minute, you’ll sort of enjoy coming back.

Drink with anyone, anywhere — I actually don’t care if you drink alcohol. You really don’t need it to have fun, and you may have many fewer problems in life if you don’t. But the point is still the same sober or blitzed: live in the moment, seek to learn from others, about others, and revel in our differences, the nuances. Talk to complete strangers, people from other races, other countries, other worlds you didn’t grow up in. Embrace their current reality, understand their pain, show empathy, provide sympathy, learn to smile even when your heart aches for them, give them a moment to laugh, to remember. Give them a piece of you. For some of them, it may be one of their few good days remaining; and it may be your finest memory.

Marry someone smarter than you, and listen to them — If you take it to heart, this may be the simplest, and best, advice you’ll ever receive. I’m living proof.

Save for the future, it’ll be worth it — Enjoy today, and live like there’s no tomorrow. But don’t think for a minute that tomorrow will be cheap if you live through the night. So you better make your money work for you. Read books. It’s not a weakness; it actually shows strength that you want to better yourself, want to learn, want to be more than you were yesterday. Take what they say about saving and investing money and do it. Not get-rich-quick schemes, but real investing for the long run. Make it so that you can retire comfortably on your terms, the way you want, when you want. But start now. Right now. Before you even graduate this week, find 5 bucks and start saving for retirement. That’d be what your papa, nana and mother would want for you. And if there’s one time in your whole life you should listen to them, it’s about being better with your money.

Let your heart explode — Hold tight and treat her right when you find a good woman to love. Or man. Whatever floats your boat. Jump head first, any time you can. Be blind to it. Be hurt by it. Embrace it while you’re in the moment, and mean it. When it’s done, let it go. Because once you’ve tasted true love, dripping from your soul like honey from your fingers on a sun-shine filled spring day, you’ll let it come back, always. And it’ll get better each time.

Pass it on — You’re never worst off. Someone else always, always has it tougher, worse than you do. Just do the little things in life right when dealing with other people. Treat them with kindness and compassion. Help people laugh. Make them feel better, let them smile even if only for the one fleeting instant you storm into their world. Be the good, decent human. Don’t be a fucking douche.

Do what you love — Don’t live for the dollar and definitely don’t work for the dollar. Work at something you love so much it doesn’t feel like a job. Enjoy the people, the moments, the place, the doing. Be happy with what you do for a living and your life will be rich, whether you have dollars or not.

Fold the queen of diamonds. Always. — She’ll fuck you over every time, pal. Trust me. I’ve been playing poker for a lot longer than you’ve been alive, and it’s happened to me every.god.damn.time. EVERY. So just let her go.

Believe in yourself — “I can’t do that, not where I’m from, not how I was brought up, not who I am.”

“I’m not strong enough or tough enough or intelligent enough to do anything like that.”

“I don’t belong here. This is for smarter, richer, better people than me. I can’t make it here.”

You might have read this hearing your own voice, thinking I was saying these are your words filling your head. You’re dead wrong. Those are quotes I have said, quotes I have lived. Over and over. And, yet, I made it. I’m not doing so bad. So can you. Why? Because I believe in you. If you take anything from this, know just that: I believe in you and if you believe in you, you WILL do that, you WILL be strong enough or tough enough or intelligent enough, and you WILL belong there more than they do. You CAN make it there. I did, and you will too . . . if you just believe you will.

This is the real start of your in between, kid. Don’t worry about us. Go make yourself proud.

Oh, and one other thing, pal. Make sure to brush your teeth every day. That’s the last life lesson, and maybe the most important.