Admit it. You have a junk email address, don’t you? You know, one that you give out when you’re in line at a store when they say “Can we just email you the receipt?” It’s the one you tell them when you feel like you wouldn’t care if they send you some useless coupon, but you don’t want it clogging up your good email account.

Like most people, I have a junk email address that happens to be my oldest address. It’s a Hotmail account. Yes, it’s that old. I’ve probably had it since about 2001 or 2002. A quick scan just now showed that the oldest email still in there is from 2004, a signup notification for NBA Media Central to get access to NBA logos for my basketball media guide.

Not surprisingly, there aren’t that many old emails as I keep the Inbox cleaned out every week. Some things worth keeping end up in folders but otherwise they go to the trash. My need to keep things tidy almost makes me check out my junk mail folder more than occasionally, and that gave rise to an interesting question this week: Who gave my email address to the porn spammers?

We’ve all gotten them, those porn emails that just make us laugh. How the hell do they come up with some of those subject headlines, and a more incredulous question: who the hell actually clicks on them?

Don’t take that as meaning that no one looks at porn. I won’t assume you do, but I will say that more than likely, everyone else reading this other than you has probably at least had a glance recently. According to a yearly review from Pornhub in 2015, those glances accounted for more than 21 billion pageviews and a whopping 4,392,486,580 hours of pornography viewed during that calendar year. But that’s people looking at only one “legit” porn site like Pornhub — or so I’m told it’s legit.

With so many people looking at their own favorite site, who does that leave with a need to actually click on the spam emails? Obviously someone out there does as they keep sending them. And I don’t know how, but my account must have been put on a super-powered list in the past month, as my junk folder has been stuffed. It started on Aug. 11 with a note from Allison who sent me nude pics, or so her subject headline says. I have yet to open hers or any of the 193 new junk emails in the past two weeks that are titled from “sending nude pics” to “awaiting your sexy reply” and everything in between.

Obviously something triggered it, but it won’t do any good. I’m not going to click any of those, and instead I’d like to reply back with something like this:

Dear Mr. Porn Spammers,

I’m not sure where things went wrong. We had such a good relationship for so long. You did your thing and let me be. Why did it have to change? Why did I have to look at my junk folder the other day and see 47 emails from you on Monday alone?

But it’s OK since it all went to my junk account. I’d be perturbed if Britany was sending something like “hey baby I have a crush on you” to my real email account.  I don’t mind when Verizon sends me something through MLB.com as a corporate partner, but 23 emails in a week from the “Adult Affairs Network Ad-Partner” is a bit much.

While we’re at it:

  • please tell Karen I’m not going to view her 12 private photos
  • let Mila_Levi know that her sexually explicit unlocked video really is just taking up megabytes and not going to be viewed here
  • pass on to Sweet NikkiXXX that I didn’t get her text and it’d probably be best for us both if I don’t
  • while curious, I don’t have time to find out what linda.williams’ hot new never-before-tried position is
  • despite the hilarity I believe could be seen at F*ckbook were I to ever check it out, that certain someone at the “Facebook of Cheaters” will just have to do without me
  • give an A+ to Emily for the most straightforward email I’ve seen: Let’s have Sex

Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Porn Spammers. I’m not being some purist here claiming to not watch porn. There are times when we’re all weak and it can’t be just church deacons and Republican state congressmen filling up the Pornhub search requests. I’ll claim my share of keeping that industry afloat, but I don’t need your email reminders.

I just think it’s fair to let you know where we stand. I’m not mad at you. You’re just doing your job. And nowadays, you know, with the economy so bad and such high unemployment rates, it’s obviously not easy to find a good job in the computer, IT or movie-making fields. Right?

Right?

So anyway, let’s call it a truce. Although if you only send one a month — like the one sent on Aug. 16 at 2:37 p.m. — I may be willing to overlook it.

Sincerely,

jtrickie@hotmail.com