I had to think a little bit there. And yes, Dwin, that hurt. Fuckhead.

But I have Budweiser to offset the pain. And now it’s over and I can continue.

What I was doing was looking back on life. This time of year it happens a lot for me.

The fact that I’m heading home, going back to where it all started and hanging with the guys that were there through most, if not all, of it, heading back for CCMP is pretty nostalgic for me. Probably because I only go home once or twice a year, and half time time, I don’t see everyone that I’d like to see.

And it’s going back to my roots. It’s heading to the Park, where I grew up, where I learned whatever it is that I learned, the shit about life that has molded me into the *cough* great person that I am today.

Ahhh, okay. I’m back. Had to get a beer.

Anyway, every year about this time I start thinking about the past. Could be anything from grade school to Marshall Middle School (remember that “garden” outside that they just let grow? That was weird) to College where I learned so much about myself, although I don’t really remember most of it. It’s just a time that I can have a little retrospective on the life that is me.

And for the record I wouldn’t change anything.

No, seriously. I wouldn’t.

Do I wish I had done some things differently, handled some situations better, treated some people nicer? Sure, who doesn’t? It’s part of life. You’ll never get everything right. The big thing is that you did it right in the general sense, that you lived life to it’s fullest, enjoyed the fuck out of it and made others enjoy it too.

I hope I’ve done that. I feel I have and the  memories in my head seem to say so.

And I hope I’ve made you enjoy the times we’ve had together because I know I’ve loved every fucking stupid moment I’ve had with you.

[SIDEDNOTE: To my Islamist friends, I know we’ve never met, but I have to say I think we’d have a fuckin’ rocking time if we hung out together and you’d fully enjoy every bit of it. Just ask Cliffy, he’ll tell you I’m great fun in a bowling alley.]

Yes, I hated some moments (just FYI, rehab sucks) and didn’t like others (hit-and-runs blow too) and was disgusted with myself for those few (one word: ‘Psycho bitch’). But fuck it. Life moves on and there’s always something new to do and a memory to make, and there’s little time to worry about the past. So make it new and fresh and the sweetest thing for today.

That’s kinda the point of this blog. It normally would be at this time of year before Symposium, but after seeing that that dude from Jackass died yesterday, it hits home even more.

I didn’t really pay much attention to those shows. Sure, I watched the first movie (my players were watching it on the road the night before the Missouri game one year and I happened to wander into their room). And I saw a some of the episodes on MTV or where ever. It was stupid fun. Dumb shit, but nothing that much more extravagant than most of us have ever done (except they have a bigger budget).

But even if you didn’t see the show or movie, you’d understand the premise: outrageous fun to the Nth degree.

That’s what life should be. That’s what we should all aspire too, minus the fart smells. Seriously, why not? Why wouldn’t we all want to explore life and enjoy it to the best?

And when you do, what do you get? Well, that’s hard to say.

After all the fucked up shit that dude did, he ended up dying in a car crash. Now, granted it was a described as a ‘fiery’ one, which is good. Not good as in I wanted that for him, but when you’re doing shit every day that could hurt you, would you really want to die by being accidentally hit on the head by a falling ladder? Or something equally as lame?

No. I’m sure you wouldn’t. I know I wouldn’t. I hope I go out in flames as well. Big, bold, daring, never expected flames.

But no matter how it happens for me, at least I can say I feel complete in my life and the things I’ve done. I don’t have the best looks, don’t have the most money, can’t say I’m the smartest. But, I can say I love every bit of what I’ve done and who I’ve come in touch with.

I’ve fucked up so much in my life and yet, every time I think about, times like this, times like CCMP and when people die, I come back to the same thing: there’s nothing I’d change about where I’ve been, what I’ve done and who I’ve affected.

And I hope you’re the same. I hope you enjoy life. I hope you love every good, bad and stupid thing you’ve done. And if there’s something you’ve still got on your list, figure it out and get it done. Time is short. That Jackass fuck proved that.

When my time comes, I’ll at least know I tried my best. And that I did the things I liked and loved and wanted to. There’s no question about that. Stupid or asshole-ish, I’ve done things my way and I’m happy to say that. And I’ll be pleased when I have to go into the light if I can have continued to say that right up to the end.

So far I can.

And now I need another beer. Again, living life right.