Wow, I’m a fool.

I know, that’s a shocker, right? No news there. But since you’re here, you’ll have to hear why.

When we went to the farmer’s market the other day, I picked up a little snack. It’s a cracker-type thing and the package says it’s a “Thailand Chili Ball 8015.”  I got it because I heard from a shirpa that it’s way spicier than “Thailand Chili Ball 8014.”

Ingredients? Glutinous rice, soy sauce, sugar, modified starch, paprika seasoning, fish powder, chili powder, orange color (e-16OC), seaweed, carmel color (E-150A), liquid chili. It cost $1.04 for almost a half-pound bag.

Holy shit. I think I’m going to go throw up.

I had one the other day when we first got them and it was a punch to the gut. I’m guessing that was the seaweed. Who the hell puts seaweed in anything, let alone crackers? Or maybe it’s the liquid chili and chili powder? Yeah, that’s probably it. After just three, it had my nostrils turned to liquid and my throat screaming at me.

Today, I just got up and wanted a quick snack, something to tide me over before I start making dinner (sugar mama is getting some tortellini and Italian sausage combo thing I’m going to whip up). So I hit the cupboard, saw these, and said, “This will do.”

Oh, they do. And do, and do.

Damn. Now I can’t stop eating them.

They’re like crack or at least what I expect that and other super-hardcore drugs I’ve never had would be like. I NEED one. But I KNOW I shouldn’t. I’m going to regret it because they’re so fucking hot. I did not know that crackers could be like this. As I type, the back of my tongue feels like the sun… with gasoline on it.

I’m coughing, gasping for air only to find myself reaching for more. It’s like the powder on the crackers is suffocating me. Hell, maybe this really IS crack. Maybe this stuff is actually what New Jack City was all about.

Who makes these things? Is there an evil Harland David Sanders, ie. Colonel Sanders,  in Thailand? I don’t think so.

(SIDENOTE: I know someone who was over there this summer and she made it sound like it was definitely not Colonel country. Then again, the topic came up because we were talking about the Double Down, which I’ve  never had and don’t expect to anytime soon. But it’s evil too, which is why it fits in here)

Shit, there it goes again. I can’t stop. My hand dipped into the bag for another 3-4 little bastard chili balls. This is not going to turn out good.